Happy freaking New Year!

I want to be brutally honest, for myself, because sometimes it is better to get things out than keep them in. I feel so bitter as this year ends. This was supposed to be our year. Everything started fantastic. I had just finished college and was looking forward to starting university, I had a job I really enjoyed to return to, a brand new beautiful baby girl to watch grow and flourish. We bought a car and I managed to gather up the courage to go back to a weight loss support group and start different fitness classes. And then our entire world came crumbling down when we were told our beautiful baby would most likely be severely disabled. Life was put on standstill. Gone was the excitement about watching her grow, instead replaced with the fear of whether she'll ever crawl, walk, talk, keeping watch over every single little movement she made incase she had a fit, or incase she stopped breathing. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change Anna for the world. But sometimes, especially days like today, days of reflection, I feel like she (and us) have been absolutely robbed blind for no reason other than bad luck, and that is not fair. I do not care one little bit if that makes me sound like a petulant child, I'm finding more and more just lately I act like that a lot. My self esteem has hit rock bottom. I have piled on weight and am now bigger than I have ever been. It is a daily struggle to pull myself out of bed and paint on my okay face, pretend I am the same person I was before our lives were turned upside down. Slowly I am coming to terms with the fact it is okay for me to feel like this. But I don't like it. Next year will be a happier one, because we know where we stand now. My priorities no longer lie in being the "have it all" mommy I once was. I know now I cannot have a career, be the perfect mummy and fiancée, have a spotless house and look like I've just stepped out of a centrefold all at the same time. This year I will take things one step at a time, and hopefully that will bring me some peace.

I just want to thank all of my family and friends, especially Sam, my mum and my Aunty Karen for being my absolute rocks this year. And for putting up with me and my mood swings. I'd like to apologise to everyone I have distanced myself from - please know I haven't done this intentionally, I've just become so wrapped up in my new life as a special needs mummy and have become so unbalanced in the way of a social life that sometimes it all becomes too much to keep on top of everything. And I'd like to wish everybody who has bothered to take the time to think about us this year a fantastic New Year. At midnight I will he raising a glass and waving goodbye to the whole heap of crap 2014 brought us, and welcoming 2015 with open arms.